Funny HaHa or Funny Looking?

People look stupid.
I sometimes wonder/ponder what an alien race would think when they landed on our planet. Apart from all the wars between people who are basically the same, genocide, prejudice and ignorance, why the hell do we all look so stupid?

Obviously a large part of it comes from the desire to look cool. But as with everything, there is always someone who takes it too far.

(If you're ever feeling a bit down and need a laugh, google scene kids)

I am in constant awe of people who can fearlessly be themselves and show it, or dress to reflect what they love and believe. But i can't help feeling that some people are just throwing themselves into their closets screaming 'I NEED TO BE NOTICED, I AM UNIQUE, PLEASE LOVE ME!!!'.

Either that or their hairspray has a mind of its own.

I have myself fallen victim to this at times

But as this was almost 10 years ago, i think its time i was forgiven.

FUCK YOU HAIRDRESSERS.

It is a well known fact that getting a haircut is more uncomfortable than going to a gynaecologist.
Or maybe pretty close.

Generally i try to stay away from ranting, i get all high pitched and irrational, but my haircut today really pushed me over the edge. I need to rant.
I HATE GETTING MY HAIRCUT.
From beginning to end, it is sheer torture. Walking into a salon, i am immediately an inconvenience to the hairdresser, God that he is with his strutting walk, bleached hair and lisping voice. I'm sure he is a lovely guy, but right now he is THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE.
He then runs his manicured hands through my hair, sighs and tuts. There is a long pause. The tension builds.

"Well... you see, your hair is like, dead. You need to get a conditioning treatment, and regular cuts. Like.... once every six weeks?"

Of course i do.

What follows is an hour of being shampooed, conditioned and trimmed, all the while being subjected to learned word for word from a script advice on how that salon's products can turn me into Cheryl Cole. And yes, she was the example given.
The there was the inane talk. One day i will snap and scream 'CONCENTRATE ON MY FUCKING HAIR YOU BRAIN DEAD MORON'. Until i finally work up the courage, i satisfy myself  with one word answers or gross exageration and sarcasm.

BRAIN DEAD TRAINEE: I've had like SUCH a hard day, there's meant to be two trainees but like, i'm the only one, so i'm like, pure running round everywhere.
ME: That must be SOOO difficult, however have you managed?

I think she may have picked up on it, as i was the only customer not offererd tea or coffee. Harsh punishment for a bit of fun.
Once it became clear i had no money to spend on products and no interest in 'so what are you doing at the weekend' chatter, the ordeal was over pretty quickly. For which i can only say

THANK FUCK.



Nothing like a Healthy Dose of Paranoia

I have a love-hate relationship with the internet

It is very useful- i often wonder how people argued before the assistance of Google, and if it weren't for Facebook i'd pretty much have no social life- but at the same time, its an absolute cunt.



For example, Facebook. It tricks me all the time. On facebook, everyone has the chance to think of something witty to say, rethink it, edit it, before finally posting it in the most amusing form possible. I'll read someone's interesting or funny statuses, think 'wow' what an interesting/funny person', then actually see them and remember they are really boring/a complete tosser.

And though facebook might make it easier to meet up with people and get to know them, it also prevents it. Sometimes i would rather just stay at home with my laptop, facebooking and watching shit on youtube. Because on the internet..

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO DO.



Even blogging.. i'm not massively into it, i'm far too lazy. But some of the blogs i read and follow get very personal. Its odd knowing very intimate things about people who you don't really know, or haven't even met. In a way its pretty cool, experiencing from a distance a different life and perspective, but knowing someone over the internet isn't like knowing someone in person.. its very easy to edit yourself through a keyboard.
Tbh, apart from anything else, i'd just like a bit of anonymity.
The internet takes away all the mystery from things. Now you just have to google something to become an expert on it, as long as you don't use wikipedia. Its so easy to know everything about someone without really knowing them, which if anything makes it easier to judge them unfairly. Or be... mistaken.



And America's Next Failed Model Is...

Recognise any of these girls?

No, of course not. They're all past contestants on America's Next Top Model.

I watch ANTM. Enough that i use the abbreviated form of the title. After having a stressful day, there is nothing more relaxing than watching some spoilt little girl crying because Tyra Banks is forcing her to have a hair cut. But i am not for one second deluded enough to believe that any of the girls who enter it, make it to the final 12, or even win it have the slightest chance of being any sort of 'top model'. Top- LESS maybe...

To me, models are not like normal people. I mean REAL models, like Agyness Deyn, Naomi Campbell, Karen Elson, Twiggy... even that Kate Moss skeleton thing. Maybe its the complete absence of body fat, or the elevated sense of self importance.. but there is something untouchable and ethereal about them. So when you see a desperate girl on her knees begging an ageing supermodel for one more chance it kind of takes that away.

Can you imagine this girl sobbing to Tyra Banks about how she's just trying to make a better life for her baby, or getting hysterical about posing naked? NO.

Maybe because she's gay and models nude all the time, but still...

I have even bothered to mention the Top Model franchise in other countries. It doesn't even rate on my escapism list. Its like Tyra checked her bank balance, it was a little low, so she sold the title to some other countries. I can just see Saudi Arabia's Next Top Model...



Stereotypes

I am very much a fan of the phrase 'stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason'. The most ditzy person i know is blonde, all older people i know are at least a bit racist and i've yet to meet a ginger person who has a soul.

:')

BUT, i hate stereotypes being applied to me. Particularly ones about motorbiking.
I understand that a lot of women who like motorbikes are kind of butch, manly and generally have eyebrow piercings... BUT THAT IS NOT ME.

I colour co ordinate my clothes to match the bike, and generally burst into tears if i accidentally get too close to the speed limit.
When i was 16 i inherited my sister's little pink moped, Betty, then when i was 17 i got my beautiful little scooter Jackson. I was quite happy on Jackson, i have a very short concentration span, and a scooter that has no gears suits me quite well. But recently my dad blackmailed me into learning to ride a motorbike. I hated it. Suddenly there were all sorts of complicated things like GEARS and A CLUTCH and it was just far too complicated... And there was the underlying fear of the dreaded stereotype.. I made a big fuss about it and refused to practise.
Then something terrible happened.

I began to enjoy it.

I really did not see this coming. I think i'm going to have to try and work out how to change gears while wearing heels, or buy a Chanel helmet or something.
So now, this woman is my new role model

Chesca Miles. Not only is she currently Britain's only female professional stunt rider, she is also a model and singer/songwriter.
OH, AND DID I MENTION SHE'S FEMININE, ATTRACTIVE AND HETEROSEXUAL?

Now i think i'll go re apply my makeup, put on a dress and head out on my motorbike :)