Let us be EPIC

I have a bit of a thing for epic films.

By epic, I don't mean 'oh dude, that's like, totally epic.' I mean large scale, saving the world, huge battles, questing kind of films. And if most of the characters die during the process... well, all the better.

So, if you are on holiday, feeling bored, or are trying to avoid doing any work/ studying, I thought I would offer you a guide to what kind of film you should be watching.

(If a film has this guy in it, you can assume its worth watching)

Firstly, here are some things to avoid. 

Never, ever be seduced by any film for which the poster/DVD cover is a picture involving a man and woman smiling or exchanging intimate looks. Even if its title is a witty pun. 

Avoid any film that culminates in a Prom or similar ball like event.

Never even consider a film starring J-Lo. 

Moving swiftly on. Things to look for.

There should be a lot of striding. Striding across open fields, large mountains, striking landscapes. All to powerfully emotional, yet stoic music. This striding should also be taking the protagonist towards either finding something, or destroying something. Despite the lack of landmarks or clear path, a map will never be consulted.

Maps are for losers.

Although there will be a main character who has been 'chosen' for a specific task, it is his wingman who really saves the day. 

Expect large amounts of bromance... occasionally the line between bromance and all out lusting becomes blurred. 

Generally my favourite epic films are set in a fictional land with mythical creatures and magic involved, as long as the creatures aren't sparkly. This often seems to allow actors with less than perfect acting skills into the film. Its how Orlando Bloom is paying his kids through school.

I include The Matrix in my list purely for the number of billowing cloaks

Obviously large scale battles are a must, but there are certain things which must come up in said battles. A sidekick must die, and it would also be nice if the main character could be killed, only to come back due to something no one really understands. Big explosions and 'I'm really very angry' faces are also important.

Obviously I wasn't going to write this post without a small Harry Potter mention, and he does pull a nice angry face.

I also like it when during all this death and destruction someone takes the time to make a witty remark, along the lines of 'Not my daughter, you bitch' or 'I AM NO MAN!'

Yet however much I love these films, they always leave me a little sad. Partly because my life is not an epic film, but also because once the mission has been accomplished.... what happens? 19 years later, everyone sends their kids off to the same school they went to, looking no different apart from more grown up hair? Everyone sails off with the elves? 

I'm pretty sure after the battle has been won, everyone just needs to sit down, have a cup of tea and begin looking for a decent trauma councillor. 

What Harry Potter Taught Me

I have been meaning to write on this subject for a while. I firmly believe that the Harry Potter books contain everything a rational human will ever need to know, more so than any religion. So, here are a few reasons why.


I should probably explain I have an extreme hatred for the rival series Twilight. I use the word 'rival' in the loosest possible sense. I once made an attempt at reading the books, and could feel the vocabulary part of my brain crying. It is bad enough to write a book about a teenage girl in first person, I am one, I know how fucking irritating and angsty they are, but one who who has no basic eloquence is even worse. I can only assume the woman who wrote it is a moron. (I want to make a pun about the fact that she is also a mormon, but I think I've made it before, and unlike the aforementioned Stephenie Mayer, I don't like to repeat myself. Over and over.)

The 'characters' in Twilight allow me to use some wonderful words in order to describe them. Limp, weak, flacid, vapid, transparant... 
I could continue with the Twilight hating, but I may save that for a post all of its own. Back to Harry Potter. I found a quote which I think adequately sums up my point here:

Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity, Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.

When Bella (the necrophiliac) is abandoned by her undead boyfriend, she curls into the foetal    position, basically stays there for months, then jumps off a cliff. When Hermione is abandoned by the boy she loves, she mans the fuck up and gets on with destroying horcruxes. 
If you believe the film, she does a bit of awkward dancing, but I go by the original gospel.


Moving on.
Harry Potter also taught me, a chubby awkward kid, that chubby awkward kids like Neville would one day lead a revolution and save the world. While wearing something practical, yet cool. Like a cardigan.

Also, that if you like someone long enough, get possessed by a dark Lord and then rescued by said person, then make them jealous by slutting about, you will one day marry them and make babies. Well done Ginny. You ginger whore.


Apart from anything else, I just love the bromance of Harry Potter. Its full of people practically queuing up to die for each other. Not that I condone extreme friendship or anything. But do you think the riots in England would ever have happened if we'd all been teaming up to fight Voldemort? I think not.

Despite the threat of death and dismemberment at Hogwarts being high, even for a boarding school, are any of the pupils ever running to Dumbledore to talk about how they feel like they just don't belong/ are missing home/ struggling with their sexuality? No, and not because its a fictional place, but because Wizards are such supportive and accepting people. We should all learn from them. Except Death Eaters. They're not very nice people.


I would also like to point out that Harry Potter offers THE best chat up lines in the world:


'Hey baby, I may be a Gryffindor, but something in my pants is a Slytherin.'
'You know before she met me, Moaning Myrtle was just called Myrtle.'
'You know Platform 9 and 3/4? Well I know something else with the same exact measurements.'


You're welcome ;)


Just a final point, as this has been rather long. As Harry Potter is set at a high school, albeit a magic one, it puts it in a category with other high school books and films. Endless amusement can be had by mixing them.