Let us be EPIC

I have a bit of a thing for epic films.

By epic, I don't mean 'oh dude, that's like, totally epic.' I mean large scale, saving the world, huge battles, questing kind of films. And if most of the characters die during the process... well, all the better.

So, if you are on holiday, feeling bored, or are trying to avoid doing any work/ studying, I thought I would offer you a guide to what kind of film you should be watching.

(If a film has this guy in it, you can assume its worth watching)

Firstly, here are some things to avoid. 

Never, ever be seduced by any film for which the poster/DVD cover is a picture involving a man and woman smiling or exchanging intimate looks. Even if its title is a witty pun. 

Avoid any film that culminates in a Prom or similar ball like event.

Never even consider a film starring J-Lo. 

Moving swiftly on. Things to look for.

There should be a lot of striding. Striding across open fields, large mountains, striking landscapes. All to powerfully emotional, yet stoic music. This striding should also be taking the protagonist towards either finding something, or destroying something. Despite the lack of landmarks or clear path, a map will never be consulted.

Maps are for losers.

Although there will be a main character who has been 'chosen' for a specific task, it is his wingman who really saves the day. 

Expect large amounts of bromance... occasionally the line between bromance and all out lusting becomes blurred. 

Generally my favourite epic films are set in a fictional land with mythical creatures and magic involved, as long as the creatures aren't sparkly. This often seems to allow actors with less than perfect acting skills into the film. Its how Orlando Bloom is paying his kids through school.

I include The Matrix in my list purely for the number of billowing cloaks

Obviously large scale battles are a must, but there are certain things which must come up in said battles. A sidekick must die, and it would also be nice if the main character could be killed, only to come back due to something no one really understands. Big explosions and 'I'm really very angry' faces are also important.

Obviously I wasn't going to write this post without a small Harry Potter mention, and he does pull a nice angry face.

I also like it when during all this death and destruction someone takes the time to make a witty remark, along the lines of 'Not my daughter, you bitch' or 'I AM NO MAN!'

Yet however much I love these films, they always leave me a little sad. Partly because my life is not an epic film, but also because once the mission has been accomplished.... what happens? 19 years later, everyone sends their kids off to the same school they went to, looking no different apart from more grown up hair? Everyone sails off with the elves? 

I'm pretty sure after the battle has been won, everyone just needs to sit down, have a cup of tea and begin looking for a decent trauma councillor.