How To Be An Alrightish Waitress, Sort Of

Being a waitress/waiter is a standard studenty job. It involves many skills that students already have: standing around trying to look busy, making coffee and pretending to be interested in the small talk of strangers.

Having waitressed at two different cafes recently, I thought I would share what different people look for in a waitress, and how to attempt to fulfil it. 


Meet Alice the waitress number 1, or Farm Shop Cafe Alice.

She is characterised by often wearing woollen jumpers or cardigans and having an in depth knowledge of the local weather. Without joking, I often research the weather before going to work to make sure I am well informed enough to participate in conversations with the elderly people who so often populate the cafe. 
Go to lines include
'Lovely weather we're having, what a nice change. Of course it won't last!'
'Awful weather we're having, but I suppose we're used to it. Hope it won't last!'
Generally, the customers are quite friendly, some to the point that I worry their children and grandchildren don't visit them often enough. They often like a chat, and after the initial panic when I run out of my rehearsed responses, it's quite pleasant.


Here is Alice the waitress number 2, otherwise known as Art Gallery Cafe Alice.

Look out for the oversized glasses, waistcoats/patterned dresses and an expression that says 'I like to pretend I know about art'. 

There are some lovely people who come to this cafe, but there are also a few irritating arty people. I know, I am studying History of Art. I wear big glasses. I'm kind of one of them. But I don't wander round art galleries clutching my camera like it's a prop, then go the adjacent cafe to discuss how terribly derivative the exhibition was.

It's important to know how to deal with these people in a kind and humane way, without letting them know you despise everything about them (partly out of shame that you can see the similarities between them and yourself). I find a good method is to echo their air of superiority and entitlement, but to a slightly lesser extent. You must be the inferior superior wanker, so they can happily tip you out of pity that you are merely a waitress at an art gallery cafe, while they study art. Despite the fact you once sat next to them in a crowded lecture theatre and learned about medieval Italian art.

I feel like I'm needlessly whining about small negatives, but in general I really like being a waitress. And given the degree I'm halfway through, I'm likely to be waitress for a very long time.