FREEEEEEEEEDOM!!

I find the whole concept of nationalism quite hilarious.

The idea that living on a certain piece of land, divided by some imaginary line makes two humans completely different has never really appealed to me. 
But that may just be because I'm Scottish.
Scottish people are so uncool, in the most famous film about Scotland the lead character is played by an American with an Irish accent.

So, I have decided to try to embrace my love (cough) of Scotland, a country with some of the highest rates of suicides and teen pregnancies in Europe. Here is a list of things I like about being Scottish.


Number One
No matter where you go in the world, people will be so delighted that you are an English speaking non-English, non-American, they will instantly adore you. Unless of course you are in England or America. Which brings me to my next point.

Number Two

Every American you will ever meet will claim to be related to you. Maybe not directly.. but they will have 'scotch' ancestors. Or perhaps Irish. Maybe Welsh. Any kind of British that is not English. Not that Americans realise Scotland is part of Britain, I have heard some claim it is an island off the coast of Norway.


I know this picture doesn't really fit the point I'm making, but its laughing at Americans. I enjoy it.


I suppose that is part of being Scottish; having a deep suspicion of other countries, and looking down on them for no apparent reason.


Number Three
Our national dress. Everyone looks cool in tartan, even Katy Perry. And that's really saying something.


Number Four
I doubt if even half the Scottish population could tell you when Scotland was last independent, or when it became part of Britain. We have our own language, but less than 2% of us have any ability in it. Yet get a few drinks in the average, middle aged Scottish man and he will ramble on about Scottish independence and 'WHAT DID THE ENGLISH EVER DO FOR US?!'
So yes, sheer ignorance. I love that.


Number Five

Sean Connery.


  

Bah Humbug (but not really)

Mocking the traditions of Christmas is just too easy. So of course I'm going to do it.

I like to think I'm quite tolerant of religions in general. With possible exceptions for Jehovah's Witnesses, Scientologists (not really a religion, just a cult) and Mormons. A Mormon wrote Twilight. And it even sounds like 'moron'. But I'm not the biggest fan of religious events like Christmas.
I know Christmas barely counts as a religious event any more, which I am quite happy about. Apparently (I use the word 'apparently' in the way The Sun uses it, to avoid saying 'this is pure hearsay and likely to be untrue') Christmas has taken the place of an old Pagan festival anyway So its really not that sacred. 

If you're going by what Christmas is really about, you're just going to get really depressed. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I will tell you a nice story.
Once upon a time a cute little baby was born. He had a nice childhood, with his mum, Mary and his dad, Joseph. Oh wait... His real dad was God Almighty himself, but luckily Joseph was a cool dude, and didn't mind his girl being impregnated by a supernatural being, then raising the miracle working baby as his own. 
Actually that bit is quite pleasant, even if it is a bit Jeremy Kyle. Just imagine those DNA results...
But then you move a few years down the line, and the cute baby is tortured and killed by the very people he was sent to save, by a father who had intended this all along. There is the sad bit.
So lets forget about the religious aspect. I'm not religious, my family isn't particularly, but I don't want to miss out on the experience.
By experience, I mean presents.

So yeah, every year Christmas seems to be more and more commercial and on acid. I LOVE IT. I have given up on bah humbugging and being miserable, I'll save that for New Year now.
Also, I LOVE the John  Lewis Christmas advert. I don't care that the miserable man who writes for The Guardian said something about how anyone who cries watching it is crying out IQ points. Fuck off, snob. And that's really an insult, coming from me.

Its a really cute kid being excited about giving his parents a present! COME ON?! How heartless do you have to be to deny that this moves you? Especially as you remember that when you were a kid... it was all about the receiving.


So yes. This Christmas I will freak out about not being able to pay my bills, never mind buy presents, then calm the fuck down and enjoy being with my family, eating foods that will make me jolly (fat) and opening presents. Oh, and giving presents. Yay! 

Politicians and Stuff

Politics these days are boring. We all know this. It is the reason why boring people become politicians. Apart from Berlusconi. What a player.

Politicians used to be so much more fun. Corrupt, misogynistic and inbred maybe... but at least they had a sense of humour. Just look at Churchill, a cowardly, rude and fairly unintelligent guy, but he knew how to party. 
I'm fairly sure the more normal and pleasant a politician seems, the more evil he is. Did you know that Hitler did not drink or smoke, was by all accounts faithful to his wife and was even a vegetarian? Never trust a vegetarian. Or a man who keeps pigs.

Something that bothers me is that there are no badass female figures in politics. The only two female politicians that come to my mind are Sarah Palin (who could easily be a man) and Margaret Thatcher (who i don't really count as a politician). 
Obviously Britain will never again have a woman Prime Minister after the mess the last one made. I know i should feel indignant about this, but it doesn't really bother me. I'm not sure if its because of my feelings on women wearing suits - very very negative - or if I'm just not sure about the country being led by a woman. What if all the other countries bullied us about it? Or just got... distracted.

Berlusconi :')

My rather sparse knowledge of politics tells me that at the moment Britain and Iran are bickering. And it is just like children fighting over toys. I think its because Britain and America have this toy called 'nuclear power' and don't want to share it. Apparently Iran isn't mature enough to handle it. Pffff my sister used that excuse on me when i wanted to borrow her makeup when i was 10. 
Now i get that Iran has been a bit naughty in the past. But its descending into silly retaliation from both sides. From my understanding its gone something like this:


IRAN: Hey Britain, how's it going? I was just wondering... you know that nuclear power shizz?    Looks pretty fun, can i have a go?
BRITAIN: Ehm yeah... well thats kind of me and America's thing. Maybe in a few years, when you can understand it better?
IRAN: But thats... like... so unfair :'( I'm going to get get my own. So hahaha to you, bitch.
BRITAIN: Oh HELLL NO. We;re cutting off all banking ties. How do you like me now?
IRAN: Whatever. We're going to storm the shit out of your embassy.
BRITAIN: Well we're sending back all your ambassadors, and we're not friends anymore >:( you can forget about coming to my birthday party and getting an AWESOME party bag. I'm inviting France instead.
IRAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


I can see where this is going.

Doesn't that make you nervous...